I write stuff

I ever mention I'm an author? I may have. Well, I have a new story out now in a new book of collected stories from Ink'd Well Comics called Fearsome Fables II. My story is A Midsummer's Nightmare. The entire book is awesome and so are the many artists and authors who contributed to the collection. You should check it out and maybe buy a physical or digital copy. All proceeds go to the Free The Children Charity.

Description: http://www.inkdwellcomics.com/page_fearsome_fables_2.html
Buy Physical Copy: http://www.inkdwellcomics.com/page_physical.html
Buy Digital Copy: http://www.inkdwellcomics.com/page_digital.html

Then there's last year's Fearsome Fables I

Description: http://www.inkdwellcomics.com/page_fearsome_fables.html
Buy Physical Copy: http://www.inkdwellcomics.com/page_physical.html
Buy Digital Copy: http://www.inkdwellcomics.com/page_digital.html 

Then there are my contributions to Anthologies with Engen Books

Sci- Fi From The Rock (Digital Copy Only): http://www.engenbooks.com/pay_scififromtherock.htm
More Sci-Fi From The Rock: http://www.engenbooks.com/pay_morescififromtherock.htm
Sci-Fi From The Rock Returns: http://www.engenbooks.com/pay_scififromtherockreturns.htm

So yeah, I've done a fair bit and I'm working on doing more. Currently I'm working on a book for NaNoWriMo and it's going pretty well. When I can get off my lazy ass and finish other things, I'm looking forward to getting my own stand alone book out for sale. Stay tuned!

- Later.

NaNo Day 3 & 4

Days 3&4 of my NaNoWriMo novel. Again I'm disabling comments on these entries. Don't get me wrong, I love feedback and comments, in this case though they would only serve to distract me and cause me to second guess myself.  Finally, this novel is of course Copyright © 2012 Steven Lake & Engen Books. Word Count today: 1264

I've been writing at work and really it depends on how busy we are as to when I can sit and write new things. The past couple of nights have been busy, I'm still happy with my progress. 4 Days into November and I have 4446 words total written. That's still almost 1200 words a day. I might have to alter the original plan and knuckle own at some point over the weekend and write, even a little bit.

NaNo Day 2

Here's Day 2 of my NaNoWriMo novel. Again I'm disabling comments on these entries. Don't get me wrong, I love feedback and comments, in this case though they would only serve to distract me and cause me to second guess myself.  Finally, this novel is of course Copyright © 2012 Steven Lake & Engen Books. Word Count today: 882

I got side lined last night with a killer migraine and tried desperately to at least get to 1000 words, I'm still happy with the effort. Just means I have to put in more work tonight.

NaNo Day 1

Alright here it is, the first day's work on my NaNoWriMo novel. I tried this last year and it helped hold me to task... for the first 9 days anyway. My Birthday is November 9th, and to make matters worse this year, I'm going to Hal-Con on my birthday. I'm really not going to be productive for 2-3 days. With that in mind, I'm pushing myself for the first 8 days. The usual goal is 1667 words a day, factoring 3 days of lost writing time and trying to make up for it at the start, then every day I'd need to write 2292 words. Last night I did 2299! Holy Shit that's a lot! I'm used to writing short stories of that length over a longer amount of time cause I procrastinate like hell. Damn, I love this story idea and I still have more that I want to write today, but I'm holding it for tonight.

I'm going to be posting as I go every day forgive me for this one, but I'm disabling comments on these entries. Don't get me wrong, I love feedback and comments, in this case though they would only serve to distract me and cause me to second guess myself.  Finally, this novel is of course Copyright © 2013 Steven Lake & Engen Books. Word Count: 2299

It's almost time.

OK here I go. Well I will soon enough. This is the eve of NaNoWriMo, actually it's under 2 hours until I can start posting. Like last year I'll be posting each days work here as well as on the NaNo Site, here's a link to my profile; http://nanowrimo.org/en/participants/stylinsteve Unlike last year I have a plan of attack and I know what I'm working towards. Here's how I hope to have it shape up.

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! To NaNo I will go

So last year I tried the NaNoWriMo challenge for the first time. It went pretty good for the first 8 days of November, then came my birthday. After a night or two of celebrations I fell behind on my writing and my word count and I never caught up again. Overall I loved the challenge and I saved my work so that I can come back to it later. I never finished NaNoWriMo but I enjoyed the challenge and the work that I did.

Municipal Election

Another case of - this was going to be a Facebook status but it turned into a rant - instead it's a blog entry.

So reading articles this week on the upcoming municipal election, I'm noticing a trend here. The most common questions are, of course; "Where do you stand on X-issue?"

Most of the answers I've read from the Mayoral candidates have gone like this;

Doc O'Keefe - Well crafted answer, citing the issue and containing political rhetoric without actually giving an answer other than "that certainly is important."

Sheilagh O'Leary - Well crafted answer, citing the issue and containing political rhetoric without actually giving an answer other than "that certainly is important."

Geoff Chaulk - Read my blog.  (I'm serious, read here)

The first two are answers most of us have come to expect from politicians of any level, standard fare where you might glean some insight into the person and their platform.

The third, personally makes me not care about the candidate. If you can't be bothered to take the time and answer an interview question, what kind of Mayor are you going to make?

**fictional, post-election council meeting with Chaulk as Mayor**

Random Councillor - "Your worship we have a question... random civic issue."

Chaulk - "Read my blog."

Random Councillor - "But your worship..."

Chaulk - "I said, read my blog."

**End of fictional account**

Seriously, is he going to give that same answer in any debates? The interviews are one way to get to know the candidates, seeing the answer of "read my blog" just comes off as dismissive to the voters.

Personally, the Mayor's race seems like a two horse competition.

- Later

Podcast upgrades!

Well it's been a long time coming but my goal of having a portable podcast recording studio is finally coming together. Ever since myself and Shannon started The Whostorian, I've constantly wanted to improve the audio, to make it the very best that I can.  I'm finally getting everything squared away.

Auto Insurance and you

The auto insurance industry is fucked.

I have no idea who sets the regulations or the standards that companies have to follow, but there don't seem to be any standards. It's been a long road since I got my license to get my insurance anywhere near what should be affordable for one person. Today I am a very happy man.

Here's my story.

Wirtz of Wisdom

Just sittin' here, listening to some random music. You know when you just set iTunes to random and see what plays? On comes a track by The Rev. Billy C. Wirtz, he's a comedian, jazz/blues pianist, former wrestling manager, and minister of his own religion.

The First House of Polyester Worship and Horizontal Throbbing Teenage Desire Our Lady of the White Go-Go Boot Lord of the 40-Watt Undulating Bubbling Lava Lamp Apocalyptic No Pizza Take-out After 12 Achey-Breaky Love Tabernacle.

Say that five times fast... anyway, point is, this track by him called "Wirtz of Wisdom" came on and it's full of things he's learned in life and he shared them with the masses. Some of it may apply, some of it may not. Here's a transcript of it.

A story with a McCompliment

Earlier this week I read a couple of news stories and saw accompanying video of members of the public verbally berating fast food employees.  I couldn't believe my eyes and ears.

In one instance, an apparent customer yells at a drive through employee because he asked for no cheese on his burger but got one with cheese. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/17/wendys-customer-video_n_3455092.html

In the other, a customer berates and verbally abuses two employees, trying to make herself out as some kind of victim while the employees are polite, apologetic, calm and do their best to complete an order. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/10/dunkin-donuts-yelling-video_n_3416787.html?utm_hp_ref=business

Travel Updates!

*Tap Tap*

Is this thing on? Testing One-Two, Testing!

*Ahem*

Ladies and Gentletestsubjects, it's good to be back!

You may have noticed my absence these past few weeks, I have been away on an adventure your mortal brains couldn't begin to comprehend! After fixing the issues from the last power failure, the Lab Boys discovered an impressive side effect and we had a breakthrough. What I mean by that is, shorting out the cyclotron caused an actual breakthrough to another dimension! Well, several actually, so naturally when the first sucker... I mean test pilot came back breathing I decided that the best person to see the potential wonders of another reality was me! For Science!

So I've been dimension jumping, leaping from place to place, hoping each time that the next leap, would be the leap home... Wait! That was the plot to Quantum Leap! No, I've been walking back and forth through dimensional gates as easy as a normal person walks through a door. It's kinda tingly actually, with a popcorn aftertaste for some reason... anyway! Point is, I've been away exploring and I've seen some amazing places. There's the land of perpetual Wednesday, got stuck there for a few days, didn't notice what was happening. Then there's the crazy melty land and the world without shrimp. Those are just the tip of the trans dimensional iceberg!

Speaking of ice and such, I see the Weather Control Machine™ is finally working right, at least over the capital city! That last weather event was a nasty one and had the potential to completely ruin last weekend, or so the report told me. As we discovered with Weather Control Machine 2.0™ we can't totally eliminate precipitation, but we can convert snow to rain to make it less of a hassle. Turns out there is some truth to cosmic karma after all... lousy balancing of nature... Lab Boys are working on that though.

So now that things are humming along nicely and seem to be under control, at least that's what Joey Knuckles tells me, I'm going to take a couple of months and keep exploring these new dimensions and claim them in my name! So many possibilities and so many versions of me to leave in charge! Yes there are other versions of myself and other versions of the Bunker© and even a few where there was no bunker! Well I couldn't have that, so there are now! None of them have made the dimensional breakthrough though, so I'm the link between it all and I'm willing to guide the other me's to it and share our technologies between us all. For Science!

I should be back in September or October with all sorts of new doodads and whatchamacallits to amaze and astound you all!

Until then, I'm Steve Johnson, we're done here!

Powerful Possibilities

**Tap Tap**

Could I have your attention please!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends, Minions, Test Subjects... et al, I'd like to apologize for this mornings incidents with the electricity. Call this a lesson learned, never plug a blender into the same extension cord as your cyclotron!

We thought first it was just a blown circuit here in the bunker, turns out we blew out most of the island!

Rest assured the problem is being corrected, I've assigned a team to help with repairs and I've fired Lou from janitorial for using an unauthorized blender on company time.

Some good news though, what crawled out of the cyclotron after the blow out seems to be a new form of life, and it's friendly! Well... it was... as with all new discoveries, it was immediately euthanized and sent to the lab for dissection and study! Lab Boys tell me it will be very informative and beneficial to humanity and by that I mean me!

So to sum up, sorry again for the power issues, Lou is fired and new life was found here and killed before it became a threat!

Until next time.

More Hotel Hauntings

Well the resident ghost is still in the hotel and he's more active than ever it seems. There have been stories that I've gotten from some of the other staff that they'd heard things before, but that was long before my sighting that I posted about previously. This past week, two members of staff reported things happening.

Mid Week Tinkering

**Tap Tap**

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, colleagues, assorted test subjects and minions.

I have to apologize for the drastic reversal of weather fortunes this morning. It seems Bruce, formally of the applied sciences department before I fired him this morning, was messing around with the Weather Control Machine 3.0 and ended up reversing the polarity of the neutron flow in the flux capacitor. At least I think that's what the egghead who replaced him said, it was technobabble. Might have been speaking Libyan for all I know... It's all Greek to me...

Anyway, don't panic, looting shouldn't be needed, though it is appreciated. I've got a team on this and we should have the parts replaced and things back under my control this afternoon. Tomorrow at the latest.

Some updates on the Weather Machine

**Tap Tap**

Could I have your attention please!?

All of you may have noticed the recent upswing in the temperature and overall weather lately. Some people call it "spring." I call it, Weather Control Machine 3.0 and it's the best one we've had yet, well since the last one blew up anyway. The first one is still making excellent waffles as well, have to market those things soon. We will as soon as the marketing team stop trying to remove their explosive collars and get back to work!

Anyway...

This week though has been a little wonky, sun one minute and snow the next. The new lab team have assured me that it's just the result of routine maintenance on the machine and that everything should be back to normal soon, or at least what I'm enforcing as my vision of normal. They wouldn't lie to me, they know that I control the button that would release the lab floor and drop them into the lava pit!

Part of this maintenance however means that we have to shut the machine down for a few hours. That will be done this evening but will only be for a few hours. In that time, there is every possibility of a "weather event" forming over us. Don't worry, it won't be too bad, though it will be a little breezy. We'll do our best to have things change to rain by the morning to clean things up a bit. By our best I of course mean the Lab team, their futures are riding on this and I know they won't let me down!

I've also heard some talk that the weather patterns were a result of something called "Sheila's Brush." Well I did some checking around The Bunker™ and found Sheila in the R&D Department. She'd been working on a pocket weather control device on company time! Well that won't be continuing as the so called "brush" has been destroyed and she's been fired! Personal work on my time? I don't think so! Also to show that I run an organization that believes in equality, I'm also firing Ronald from housekeeping, so there!

So in conclusion, the Weather Machine 3.0 is good, just needs some maintenance, we'll get some weather but it'll be sorted out in short order. Shouldn't even require the normal looting and plundering.

Oh and before I go I'd also like to congratulate Joey Knuckles beating seventeen other men to win the title of "Henchman of the Month!" Seriously, we locked 'em all in a cage and Joey beat all of them into comas! Good work!

Later!

Shadows of the Full Moon

Well I finally finished another project. What I mean by that is I'm finally satisfied with something I finished writing a while ago but have been tweaking ever since. My third short story featuring Ryan and Frank, who I've mentioned before is done, dusted, closed out and sent to my publisher.

Twisted Wording

inbox

in-box [in-boks]
noun
1. a boxlike tray, basket, or the like, as on a desk, for holding incoming mail, messages, or work.

2. Computers. a folder for receiving and storing incoming e-mails or text messages.

A Noun is a person, place, or object.

A Verb is an action word.

You cannot change a Noun into a Verb. You can Verb a Noun, you cannot Noun a Verb.

It would sound pretty ridiculous if I asked someone to "countertop me a sandwich"

It's equally as ridiculous when someone asks us to "inbox me."

There is no way for me to do that, that's not an action. I can no more "inbox" someone than I can "jigsaw puzzle" them.

Now if you'll excuse me I'll get off this soapbox I've been velociraptor on.

That darn Weather Machine

**Tap Tap**

Check 1-2 Check 1-2

Someone once said "No good deed ever goes unpunished." Then I fired them! This bunker is no place for that kind of negativity! We're working on world changing technology here and there's no room for naysayers!

Now that I've got that off my chest, there's a problem with some of that world changing technology. Honestly, I don't know what it's going to take with this Weather Control Machine. Am I asking too much here really? I just want perfect temperate weather year round, not too cold and not so hot that I need air conditioning to sleep at night. I think that's fair, but apparently Mother Nature has some other ideas, just because we happen to be in the middle of the North Atlantic!

The second machine has been working near perfectly, up until now that is... It went down this morning faster than Blackberry's stock options. When I woke up I thought it had finally succeeded and we had the best and brightest sunrise I'd ever seen. Then I remembered, I'm underground and there are no windows! Turns out it was the light from one of the most spectacular explosions that the lab boys have ever seen. At least that's what the survivors said!

Not even the option to turn it into WaffleMate 2.0™ here people. It's a smouldering pile of rubble that's being pushed into the lava flow as we speak.

Now this presents a problem that we're all familiar with and we're ready to face at any time. That of course is "where to put all the groceries that I'm going to blindly buy." No, actually it means we're facing another Weather Event. This one is a doozy to, you know it's serious when I'm using the word doozy! This one is not your typical event either.

This is a big one. It's not the typical drive by style event, where we get a lot of snow in a short amount of time. No this thing is going to hang around and we're going  to get a decent amount of snow over a longer period of time. Seriously, this is going to feel longer than my third marriage and that felt like an eternity!

The residual effects of the Weather Machine will be felt for the rest of the day and into the evening, but then things are gonna degenerate quickly. So take the time you have left to overfill your gas tank with gas and your trunk, backseat, glove box with all the groceries you can carry. Then get more! After all, you could be stuck in your home for up to a day and that'll be terrible! Oh, and the Liquor Stores, we all need liquor!

When the looting starts, be on the lookout for the collection bots! Come to think of it, they're the most reliable things I've ever had invented for me! The standard 30% mandatory donation applies and I can't stress enough, don't taunt the bots! Seriously people, ground beef has more consistency than what these things leave behind!

As always, I'll be here cheering for you, and by that I mean me! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some quality checks in the harem!

A Message From Your Benafactor!

**Tap Tap**

Could I have everyone's attention for a few moments please, I have some announcements. You! The one in the kitchen wondering where my voice is coming from! Get your car key our of your ear and listen up!

I'd like to say that I am still blown away by the level of loot and by extension of that loot, the appreciation you people showed me during the last surprise "weather event." I can't thank you all enough and as a show of my gratitude, I've had the Lab Boys working overtime, tweaking the settings on the Weather Control Machine to try and eliminate the next "weather event."

There was some confusion all this past week as to how much of a dumping on we were going to get. The two weather outlets couldn't seem to agree with each other on their estimates. Now, don't be so quick to blame either of them for not being accurate, they could only go by the information I gave to each one of them! Yes, I had a little evil fun there, I admit it!

Good news though! We have succeeded in reducing what was supposed to happen today from an intense event to a light dusting, followed by some rain and drizzle later tonight. The Lab Boys even tell me that they might be able to coax a little more performance out of the machine to lessen things further and I believe them. Well, those that are still here. Their enthusiasm for it shot up after the first four of the team went into the lava pool. It's all about how you motivate your team!

Now, I have some notes of congratulations to pass along. I'd like to welcome aboard some new members to the Bunker's team.

First, please welcome our new Chief of Henchmen, Paddy Druken. You'll be working with my personal security guard, Joey "Knuckles" Washington, on overall Bunker security and training of new henchmen.

Second, please welcome our new Mistress of The Harem, KeiKei de Murre. You'll be in charge of all the Concubines and managing their day to day duties. From the performance in your interview, I know you can "whip" those ladies into shape in no time!

That's about it for now people, keep up the good looting and I'll keep working to make things better for us all. And by that I naturally mean Me!

Customer Disservice Part Deux: The McRant

I don't eat take out much anymore. Maybe once or twice a week I will treat myself to something. But sometimes you just get a craving, y'know?

Tonight was one of those nights. I work overnights so I live a reverse day. Evening is my morning, Midnight I get to work, 4am is lunchtime, and so on. Tonight I really wanted a burger, some fries, no big. Just a little grease as a treat for my lunch.  That being the case I paid a call on one of my local McDonald's restaurants, since they are the only burger joint in St. John's open 24 hours.

Amazing, simply amazing!

**Tap Tap**
Testing! Testing! Check 1-2! Check 1-2!

Ok. Good.

People you never cease to amaze me. I asked for a little more recognition. I asked for a little more notice. I asked for more loot! I have to say that you all came through with flying colours!

It seemed like no sooner did I have all the collection bots out, that the first wave was coming back, brimming with all manner or things. Jewelery, electronics, appliances, furniture, clothing. Anything and everything a budding entrepreneur could want, they were bringing back to the bunker. I have to say if this is just 30% of what was collected, then we're all better off this morning.

Needless to say this show of support for our work here at the bunker, and more so me, did not fail to move me. Seriously. I'll be able to build a new office so I'll be moving into it soon. So just before midnight, before the "weather event" could get any worse, I turned the Weather Control Machine back on and the result was immediate. Temperatures rose and the snow turned over to rain. That eased things up a bit and cut down on what was already on the ground.

Bottom line, good work people, you've restored some of my faith in humanity! The testing we do here at the bunker will confirm the rest. As soon as we rustle up a few more test subjects... stupid homeless shelters telling me I can't recruit there anymore. It's not my fault only one in ten volunteers come back! Science is a fickle mistress... anyway!

For now we've got the Weather Control Machine, that can always use some tweaking. We've got that machine for erasing people from existence, that's been fun at parties, especially when we use it on the guest of honour and then have no idea who the party is for but we keep it going anyway! But there's more that we can and will be doing to improve the quality of life for all... and by "all" I mean me!

Now Hear This!

** Tap Tap **

Y'know people I've been thinking. We're trying to do some good work out here at the bunker and it seems to go without any real notice. I've been trying with my announcements to bring attention to the Weather Control Machine and it's potential to improve life on this planet, mainly mine!

All this work by the lab boys that goes unnoticed by the public. The hard work of people like Gary in HR... no wait, I fired him! Okay like Stan in Account... nope, fired him too! Well I know who they are and that's the important thing really! As long as the rest of you can recognize the work I'm spearheading, the rest can bask in the residual adoration that radiates from me!

Now, to show you all the importance of the Weather Control Machine and the work here at the bunker... I'm going to turn the machine off! That's right, I'm shutting it down this afternoon! Protocols are already running and it's going offline as we speak! So there!

No advance warning, no time to prepare, there's a Weather Event brewing and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it now! HaHa! Those milder temperatures we were able to fight back the last event with? Gone! The clearer skies and brighter days? Darkened! You'd better get moving, not much time to get to those grocery stores, liquor stores and gas stations! You'll have to survive on the supplies you no doubt have in your homes already!

Don't worry too much, I'm not completely cruel and unfeeling, well I mostly am but I can be swayed. I'll be sending out the collection bots as per usual to gather your required looting contributions and if they are sufficient enough, I might just turn the Weather Control Machine back on. But people that's a big "if" right now.

Now with that being said, on to other matters. Henchmen! All applicants should have now received their test packets and you have just one week to complete the tasks/beatings/assassinations outlined. If you don't then you will be eliminated! Entirely. From time. I'm not kidding, lab boys have a device that will erase you from history. Neat little thing really. I can't remember who's been erased already, but then that's the point!

All those who sent in videos for the Concubine application, I'll be in touch about in person interviews with those of you who made the grades. Those who didn't, please enjoy the complimentary fruit baskets that were sent out.

That's about it. Get moving people cause here comes the snow!

Present storm conclusion

**Tap Tap**

Ladies & Gentlemen, Friends, Future Test Subjects, we made it through another one. By we I of course mean you because I've been safe and sound as usual.

By the way, you can thank me and the lab boys for the sudden mild upswing in the temperature. Mid storm they were able to get the Weather Control Machine working again and voila, that snow turned to rain before the things could get completely buried. The Machine is humming nicely and we should be able to keep this up for a couple of days at least.

As always, you're continued and mandatory looting contributions are appreciated, we've collected enough this time to give the lab boys a bonus and expand the BBQ pit, can fit a whole pig in there now!

Also, I have to acknowledge the work put in by Stan in the accounting department, he was the one who came up with the 5% increase on your loot n' plunder. He's got a sharp mind there! Good  ambitions, that was management level thinking. He'll go places... just not here. There's only room for one man in charge around here and that's me! Stan, you're fired!

There, now that's out of the way I've got important things to get to, that pig needs basting and tasting. Oh and before I go, I've got the henchman's list narrowed down and I'm almost ready to start interviews. Those who applied for the Concubine positions, I'll be reviewing your audition tapes this week! Looking forward to that!

Until the next storm, I'll be watching!

The Original Storm Rants

November 28th, 2012

For those of you who haven't looked out your nearest window, porthole, portal or magic viewing globe yet, it's snowing. Now you all know what to do but I'm going to go over the basics just as a reminder.

You are to proceed to the nearest gas station and grocery stores (which one first is up to you) and then fill up your car and buy everything on the shelves that you can carry! After all, we're potentially getting 10cms here, that's an Armageddon waiting to happen and we can't let the world end with fully stocked grocery stores and only a half tank of gas.

Oh and for those ladies choosing to celebrate this snow by going downtown, the normal dress code of a too-short skirt and tank/tube top is still in effect, no matter the temperature or snowfall accumulation.

November 28th, 2012

*tap* *tap* This thing on?

Steve here again, looks like we got a tad more snow than expected, lab boys tell me the new weather control machine is working better than they expected. In this case I'm not sure that overachieving was something to be proud of, but they tell me it's a good thing.

Now, that being said, I also have a report that although accidents are up, panic and general looting are at an all time low. Come on people! We can't have a proper snowpocalypse without some good old fashioned looting. I blame myself really. Actually no, I blame Gary, that new kid in the PR department. He's now fired. You hear me mister? Yes, you. Fired. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.

Oh well, call this a test run and chalk it up as experience. We'll have to try and do better next time.

For those ladies still heading downtown, you'll want to add a pair of stilettos that you can barely walk in to the standard outfit mentioned earlier.

and finally, the lab boys tell me that you just lost the game.

November 29th, 2012
Steve here again

Now I know yesterday we ran through a test of the Snowpocalypse emergency measures and the gas and grocery hoarding went well, but now we have a problem. As per that guy Gary from PR's request, who I fired I might add, I complained that there was a severe lack of looting and some of you took a unique approach to improve the numbers.

People, when you're looting and pillaging you never want to damage your water supply. It makes things worse for everyone. We can't enjoy our ill gotten booty if we can't shower or flush a toilet. Granted I know there are a lot of uber-nerd shut ins out there who will debate the need for showering, but those basement dwellers are wrong. Just because you don't leave the couch, there's no reason to stink out the room with B.O. I'd fire 'em all if I could, but they don't work for me, though I'm always in need of test subjects. I'll have to remember that for later.

Anyway, the main point is, conserve the water you currently have until this fiasco is fixed. The Lab boys tell me they are working on a way to suck the moisture from ducks as an alternate emergency water source, but there are only so many ducks to go around.

And remember, this was all that guy Gary's fault. Whom I fired. Yesterday.

Your Overlord demands your attention!

**Tap Tap**

Ahem... Can I have your attention please.

People I've been trying, I really have. Now I know that you think all I do is lounge around all day in my bunker, enjoying the sauna, the hot tub, the 24 hour all you can eat BBQ pit, movie theatre, bowling alley and fully licensed casino. Well... you're right, I do! I also set aside time to frolic in my money pit! Yes I have an actual swimming pool filled with money!

But aside from all that, we actually do serious, scientific work out here for the betterment of mankind! and by "mankind" I of course mean me! But ever since we set out to bend mother nature to our will with the Weather Control Machine, the only consistent results I've seen is a migraine! Oh and the most delicious waffles I have ever tasted.

Now the good news so far has been that the Lab Boys were able to coax enough life out of the machine that the last weather event was reduced in intensity, the only thing we couldn't correct were the winds. The bad news is that all the fiddling and bypassing we've had to do has left he machine as a shattered wreck. Seriously, it's lit up like a Christmas Tree and sounds like a Pinball Machine on Tilt! Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure parts of it started out in a Pinball Machine... lousy Acme catalogue...

Anyway, point is we're now facing another "Weather event" as I have come to term them. Actually it was two events but it looks like our attempts to stop them has actually merged two storm fronts into one. Bottom line, we're gonna get hit and hit hard! Of course by "we" I mean you people, because I'll still be safely tucked away here in my bunker!

Now, we have managed to get the machine to give us some decent weather for the rest of today for your pre-storm pillaging. Those grocery stores and gas stations aren't going to empty themselves people! Oh and the liquor stores, I can't stress the importance of the liquor stores enough!

The collection bots will be making their usual rounds, though due to rising repair costs for the weather machines, I've had to increase your mandatory looting donations to 30%. I know it's a bit of a hike but it's needed if I'm going to add on that loung... I mean get that new machine built! For Science!

Before I forget, ladies there has been a change made to the dress code for those of you heading downtown tomorrow night. Because of impending snow piles and drifts, the usual stilettos have been replaced with knee high or above boots to protect your legs, providing of course the heel is still 4-6 inches on those puppies.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet the new lab team. Those of you who applied for the Henchmen positions, I'm still going over applications and calling references, the ones you say survived!

A message from Steve Johnson, your Overlord.

**Tap Tap**

Ok people, we have a problem. The waffle maker is on the fritz... I mean the weather control machine... My astrologist says it's Karma for forcing Mother Nature to give us some good weather. I say that's what you get for hiring lab techs from Craigslist. Voodoo priestess my ass, next time I'm going with some good, reliable Druids!

Well, with the machine out of commission again we're facing another storm, or as I like to call it a "weather event." Now some of you more enthusiastic pillagers out there got the jump on this with those incidents with the power and it's appreciated, but don't get ahead of yourselves here. Start with supplies, I have heard that the grocery store clean outs have gone ahead as normal and the liquor stores aren't that far behind. Good instincts people! The alcohol will help keep you warm and able to ignore the cold and make the people you get snowed in with more attractive! Also it will give you a confidence boost and make you feel more self important! Almost as important as me!

I'll be overseeing things as usual from my state of the art, and tasteful, though lavishly decorated, bunker. I wish I could be out there with you, well no, I don't. I'm perfectly happy here safe and sound. But I'll be rooting for you all, and by you I of course mean me! After all, someone has to direct the looting and collect the booty and it might as well be me!

The automated collection bots will be out in force hounding your every move... I mean monitoring the looting situation for me. The usual 25% will be given over to the robots. Seriously people, don't mess with the robots! The last few individuals that did were reduced to a kind of lumpy goo, we needed DNA testing to even identify the puddles as human! Efficient little buggers I tell you!

Maybe I shouldn't have turned them loose on the lab team that created them! Oh well, live and learn as they say. That reminds me I'm currently looking for new minion... I mean Lab Technicians! Maybe I'll try that kijithingamajiggy this time.

Anyway, I'm going to go prep the robots and check the champagne levels in my hot tub. Have fun!

Radio Follies

This was going to be a Facebook status, but I figured it would be too long to post there. I reserve long winded statuses for my Cave Johnson storm rants.

The CRTC broadcast standards are funny, fickle things. In the case of music on the radio, it seems to apply to some songs but not others. Now I don't mean whether or not a song should be played, in this instance I mean what is and is not censored in songs for airplay.

More Cave-esque good ranting

*Tap Tap* Attention. Attention.

You may have noticed a dramatic upswing in the temperatures in the province today. For that I'd like to say, "You're Welcome!" and also "Thank You."

Diary of a Nitpicker

nit·pick

verb (used without object)
1. to be excessively concerned with or critical of inconsequential details.
verb (used with object)
2. to criticize by focusing on inconsequential details.
noun
3. a carping, petty criticism.
adjective
4. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a nitpicker or nitpicking.

We're all guilty of it at some point or another, and it could be about anything. People have made a living at doing it online as movie/game/tv critics. I do it a fair bit on The Whostorian Podcast about various Doctor Who episodes. Most nitpicks are pretty simple, some are nagging or glaring problems, at least when perceived by the Nitpicker. Then there are some that just seem to sit and grate at you the more you think about them, or the more times that you watch/read/play the source material that led to observation of the nit that needed picking. It's one of these that I want to talk about.

Here I go again

*tap tap* Check 1-2. Check 1-2. Good

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, potential test subjects, I've got good news and bad news.

Bad news is, the new weather control machine actually appears to be creating weather systems instead of preventing them, so we are getting snow tomorrow. Good news is, the old weather control machine is now making very tasty waffles. They're so light and fluffy, seriously these things are a joy to eat, with just a little syrup and a little bacon... anyway I digress.

Now as a precaution we have shut down the machine but the lab boys tell me that it's too late and that a system has formed and will be passing over us tomorrow. I'm taking a chance on trusting these guys because they are new, I fired the old lab team when they told me what was happening. They're gone. Not darkening my door anymore. Never work in this town again.

The new team says that this is a rogue system and is very unpredictable. They can't give me specific amounts, but they say anywhere from a light, festive dusting to enough to bury your houses. I don't worry about my house because it's a bunker. And it's underground so it's already buried.

I know this is short notice, but the plans remain the same as before. Grocery stores, empty 'em! Gas station reserves, drain 'em! Get your best looting outfits and tools ready to go just in case and feed the sled dogs!

As always, 25% of your assorted loot n' plunder comes directly to me, there will be automated collection bots dogging your every step until you give up the goods! Trust me, the best thing is to comply with them, they will cut you. To pieces. Without mercy. They don't have any cause they're robots.

I'll be watching the proceedings from my luxurious and heavily fortified bunker, just waiting for all that loot to start rollin' in. Good luck people! I'm rooting for you. Well some of you. Ok a couple of you and by you I mean me.


Oh one more thing for the ladies heading downtown tomorrow night, the standard dress code still stands! Tube tops, mini skirts and four inch stilettos are a must if you're going to get someone to take you home and help you prevent frostbite!

Final Cave-esque snow commentary

**Is everything setup now? Even the hot tub and the hibachi? Good! What?... My microphone is on? When did you do...**

Greetings citizens! Steve Johnson here with a post Snowpocalypse update!

First of all, I can't thank you all enough for the mandatory contribution of your looted treasures. Thanks to your donations I was able to secure a new, state of the art bunker for myself to ride out the worst of this weather event!

Second, I'd like to apologize for the widespread and continued power interruptions, some of those may be my fault. Ok, all of it really. See the new bunker is out near Holyrood and apparently my power demands sorta shorted out the entire plant! Happened just after we fired up the new steam room/wet bar, oh well it's all fixed now. Lab boys tell me they've switched over to something called "geo-thermal energy." The way they explain it, we're sucking heat directly from the earth's core, which I admit sounds really technical, cool, but still technical.

We're now looking at a way to sell any and all surplus energy from the bunker to the government at a substantial markup from what it costs us to produce. I figure if they can do it to the public, I can do it to them!

Now although I do appreciate good looting, I do have to say that reading some news reports, I am severely disappointed in some of you. I've seen stories of assaults and robberies. People, people, people, you don't loot other people, you loot stores and companies and such. How are you supposed to sell off your surplus booty if you've been beating up on your prospective clientele?

So in closing, good job overall, we all pulled together and held up well through this hissy fit from Mother Nature. Lab Boys tell me there is a new weather control machine in place, hopefully this one won't melt down. Also, thanks again for the new bunker, I'll be able to do some good work here, I can feel it.

Oh, before I forget, be sure to watch ebay and that kiji-thingy site, I'll be selling off some of the surplus loot I received cause I just don't need it. I mean thirty seven pair of Lederhosen and two gimp suits? Some of you are really weird...

More Cave Johnson inspired goodness!

*tap tap* Testing, testing. Good!

Ahem!

Alright people this is it. As of about 4:15 this afternoon, the weather control machine failed and the mother of all storms moved in and stalled over us. Lab boys tell me that the machine is toast, or only good now for making toast, something toasty... anyway the point is we have to dig in a take this storm seriously.

Now the airport is already closed and the ferries are tied up so there are officially no ways off the island. This is important because it directly affects any and all storm based looting that you are considering doing.

First thing to consider is looting transportation. You don't want to use a motor vehicle as the roads are obviously treacherous. You don't want to use an ATV or a Ski-doo as the engine noise will draw unwanted attention to your looting. The best things to use are snowshoes, skis and dogsleds, just be sure the dogs are wearing muzzles to minimize barking.

Secondly, don't carry more than you are capable of, you'll look ridiculous running on foot with three LCD TVs on your back and you'll tire quickly. This brings us back to transportation. You'll have a giant backpack if using snowshoes, you can drag a sled or container behind you if you are skiing and in the case of a dogsled, you can load that sucker down with almost anything.

Fourth... No wait! Thirdly! Use your radio/smartphone/computers to monitor power outages. These are the most important things to consider when looting, in fact this is now First! Read the rest of this and then go back and read the other two! You don't want to loot a place that has power because if the power is on then so are the security cameras and well, having your face or neon pink, fox racing ski-doo suit plastered all over the news later is going to put a damper on your enjoyment of the ill gotten booty.

Fourth, yes that's right now, fourth. 25% of all your looting gains come directly to me, Steve Johnson, so I can continue my research here at Styleature Science & Waffle-house. The Waffle idea is new, had to make budget somehow and that's why your contributions are mandatory!

In closing, Good Luck, God speed and remember, if you get arrested, I don't know you!




*The preceding is a parody and was meant as a joke commentary. I do not endorse looting or any illegal activities in any way*

Chanelling Cave Johnson

*Tap Tap* This on? Ok...

My fellow Newfoundlanders and/or Labradorians, notably those of us on the Eastern side of the island, putting things bluntly, we're screwed. Someone, I'm not sure who yet, went and pissed off Mother Nature and now we're facing a Snowmageddon. Lab boys tell me that the weather control machine is nearing overload and we can only maintain clear skies into overnight tonight.

We trained for this in November people! Remember when we ran through a test of the Snowpocalypse emergency measures, well it's that time again. Now I've been out around and so far things are going well, a couple of grocery stores have been ransacked but we can do better!

By better I mean clean those shelves completely! Then line up at your nearest gas stations to empty their reserves as well! I will remind you though that we DO NOT need a repeat of November's water incident! Leave the water supply alone! I cannot stress enough that we cannot enjoy our ill gotten booty from looting during the storm if we can't flush a toilet.

All that being said, good luck people. I'll be watching it all from my well stocked and secured underground bunker, which by the way is not located in the South Side Hills... 

*covers mic* what's that? we don't have the bunker? well what do we have? two refrigerator boxes covered in a blanket and half buried in a sandbox? ...

*Ahem* Change in plans, due to major budget constraints, it looks like I'll be riding this one out with the rest of you... couldn't even get a proper cave... stupid boxes...