It will be updated infrequently as new stuff happens.
January 18th, 2017
Gather round one and all as I regale you with a textual re enactment of a strange little happening, once again at *hotel*
The cast for tonight’s dramatization are as follows;
The character of Steve (Me), played by yours truly
The character of Person One (P1), played by Random Person
The character of Person Two (P2), played by Other Random Person
Person one approaches the ATM, presumably to withdraw some funds. They insert their card and look perplexed as they read the screen.
P1: “It’s asking for my personal number, what’s that?”
P2: “Have you got numbers on your accounts?”
P1: “I dunno, what’s a personal number?”
P2: “What’s it asking?”
P1: “It wants a personal number. I know my PIN but what’s a personal number?”
Me: “PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, it’s asking for your PIN.”
P1 & P2: “Oh.”
September 30th, 2016
Guest comes to leave his vehicle for long term parking and fills out the form. On the form there is a section for Make/Model of the vehicle.
Me: Ok you've put Chevy, it's a Chevy what?
Guest: It's a truck
Me: Ok what model, Chevy makes different trucks.
Me: That's a GMC.
Me: So you have a GMC Sierra?
Form section for Make/Model: Chevy GMC
August 31st, 2016
Gather round my friends and behold as I regale with yet another installment of; The Drunk Guest Chronicles.
As I walk into a hallway and look up a staircase I see a guy and a girl going up the stairs. Not unusual you say, however, the girl was wearing a tablecloth over her head.
I was compelled to ask, "Why are you wearing a tablecloth?"
To which she drunkenly and cheerfully, replied: "I'm a ghost!"
I shook my head and said "No, you're not."
She hung her head and handed me the tablecloth, then the guy helped her up the stairs as a person, no longer a ghostly tablecloth.
August 12th, 2016
So the power at the hotel goes out. During the blackout, a slightly intoxicated young lady leaves the hotel. Time passes and she comes back into the hotel entryway but not into the lobby. I ask if she's ok and I'm told yes she's just waiting for a ride.
More time passes. I don't see her but I hear hiccups. Drunk hiccups normally end one way, so I get a bucket to head off the outcome.
The power is still out at this time. I take a flashlight to make sure I cam see her, she's sitting on a luggage cart, staring at her phone. I notice a cord. She has the phone plugged into a wall outlet to charge.
During a power outage.
I break the news that it's not going to work and she replies; "So'k it'll be done in a minute."
Then thankfully her ride showed up.
June 23rd, 2016
Passing through the hotel bar last night and I overhear the following;
Guy at the bar: "Can I get a shot of Fireball?"
Bartender: "I'm sorry we don't carry Fireball, can I make you a different shot?"
GATB: "Well what do you recommend?"
Bartender: "I like the Burt Reynolds. It's spiced rum and butterscotch."
GATB: "Rum? That's kinda wussy..."
At that point I had to leave or I wouldn't have held my tongue. Fireball Whiskey is 33% alcohol. Granted yes, Butterscotch Ripple is only 15%, but the average Spiced Rum is 35%-40% alcohol to start. So you're working with a couple of percentage points more to start with. More alcohol is better.
The only reason you think it's "wussy" is because you think dealing with that cinnamon burn is some sort of right of passage or proof of strength or something stupid like that.
You want burn? Get a shot of London Dock or even Bacardi 151 or hell, even Screech.
Fireball... Go home junior and stick to your Bud Light.
Jun 16th, 2016
Now for another edition of Things I Cannot Say.
Me: "Thank you for calling *hotel* how can I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, I was wondering if you could tell me a little about your rooms."
Me: "What information are you looking for?"
*What I want to say*
"Well, there's 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor..."
June 14th, 2016 - Update
Update: John called back about 3:40am.
John: “Am I being charged for tonight?”
Me: “Yes sir, you were here for a half an hour, that room counts as used for the night, you’ve been charged for it.”
John: “Is that so?”
John: “Are you gonna resell that room tonight.”
Me: “I can’t, there’s no one here to clean it, it’s a used room so you were charged for it.”
John: “Oh, ok then.”
*After I hang up the phone*
Co-Worker: “It’s not our fault he was done so quick.”
June 14th, 2016
Checked in at 2:10am.
Checked out at 2:40am.
The John so drunk she had to handle all the details.
Buddy I hope you remember stuff in the morning, especially that she has your wallet.
May 25th, 2016
Guy comes out of the bar and cashes in just over $1600 in VLT payouts.
Me: "You're having a good night."
Guy: "Yeah I'm up tonight, but I'm down 20k this month playing the machines. Some days I'm up, some days I'm down. But that's it, what else am I gonna do with my money?"
Me: "I'll gladly take it off your hands if you're just giving it away."
Guy: "Whatever. Going back to play a bit more."
Strange guest at the hotel bar: "Would out like some candy little boy?" *holds out bar mint*
Me: "No thanks, I'm good."
Strange guest: "Any boy with hair that pretty deserves candy."
May 11th, 2016
So for guests who are travelling, my hotel offers long term parking. You fill out a form, pay less than you would at the airport and you’re on your way. On the form it asks for the make and model of the vehicle being left. That’s pretty self-explanatory I think. A couple of mornings ago, the following ensued.
Guest: “Ok here’s the form.”
Me: “Alright, oh hold on. For make/model you just wrote Dodge. What kind of Dodge?”
Guest: “What do you mean?”
Me: “What type of Dodge is it?”
Guest: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Me: “Dodge makes several models of vehicle, what’s yours?”
Guest: “It’s a truck.”
Me: “Ok what kind of truck?”
Guest: “I don’t know, it’s a truck. I don’t understand you.”
Me: “Is it a Durango, a Dakota, a Ram?”
Guest: “Let’s say Ram there’s a goat head on it. I dunno, it’s a truck. I don’t get it.”
May 2nd, 2016
Gather round my friends, it’s time for another installment of “I couldn’t make this up if I tried.”
Tonight’s tale was late into the shift in coming but it’s a whopper. At five a.m. the phone rang and the following conversation ensued.
Me: “Thank you for calling *hotel*, my name is Steve, how can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, you may have heard, I was just talking to one of your management yesterday. Me and my wife were at your restaurant and took our order out and they didn’t put the lids on the tubs good enough and we got gravy all over the back seat. Anyway I was talking to a manager and I don’t know why I have to talk to you now but here we are. I had to get the car cleaned and I didn’t take it to a professional, I got a buddy of mine to do it, he does cleanings on the side. So he got in there with a steam cleaner and did a really good job on it. Now if I’d gone to a professional it could have cost me a few hundred dollars or more. But like I said my buddy did it and he only charged me a hundred and forty dollars to do it and I got a receipt for it, made sure to get the receipt. Anyhow I’m off to Fort McMurray in the morning and the wife works at the hospital twelve to twelve so I don’t want to bother her with this, I just want my money back that’s due to me and I’m leaving so I want to get it now.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give you any money, if you were talking to a manager then you’d have to deal with management again later in the morning, there’s no management in right now as it’s five in the morning.”
Caller: “Like I said I don’t know why I have to talk to you but I want to get what’s owed to me.”
Me: “Again, I’m sorry but I can’t do anything for you now, you’ll have to speak with a manager later this morning.”
Caller: “Oh it’s like that is it? Well thank you”
Now this call and the yarn this man spun was odd enough, but there was nothing left by our management, not a note, not an email that there was anything amiss or that anyone would be calling looking for money.
Then I get a call from another hotel asking if I’ve gotten any weird calls. I said yes and the girl at the other hotel said that I’m the third one this guy called that she knew of. He was calling hotels with restaurants to try and get money with a fake story.
It’s creative I’ll give it that, but seriously all that fake story for a hundred and forty bucks?
April 23rd, 2016
*Guest comes to the desk, holding an alarm clock*
*Guest is a middle aged, male Newfoundlander*
Guest: “What is this.”
Me: “It looks like one of our alarm clocks.”
Guest: “What’s it used for?”
Me: “For telling time and for setting an alarm to wake you up.”
Guest: “How does it work?”
Me: “You plug it in and set the time, it has a radio and you can set an alarm if you want it. I can show you how to set it up or I can give you a wake up call for later, where we call you.”
Guest: “No, this thing went off in my room, making a racket and woke me up.”
Me: “Someone must have set it before and never turned it off, I am sorry that happened.”
Guest: “I just didn’t know what it was, I thought it was some kind of fire alarm or something.”
Me: “No it’s just an alarm clock.”
December 20th, 2015
Coworker overheard a hotel patron talking just a little too loudly on a cellphone; "For $200, I lick."
December 11th, 2015
People are funny sometimes.
Round about 1:00am a guest staggers out of a cab and into the lobby. He stops at the desk and asks
Drunk Guest: Can I have a wake up call at 3:30am?
Me: Sure. That's not much sleep.
Drunk Guest:I have an early flight.
He wanders away to his room and I don't think much more of things. At 3:30am I call the room and it takes a couple of tries before he answers the wake up call, but he does answer and says thank you.
Fast forward to 5:00am and he runs into the lobby, looking panicked.
Drunk Guest: I need a shuttle to the airport, my flight leaves at 5:15am
Hotel Porter: You'd better hope it's not 5:15. You're already too late
Drunk Guest: I have to be on that plane.
They leave and the porter brings him over to the airport.
Fast Forward to 5:45am. The Drunk Guest comes back to the hotel
Drunk Guest: I missed my flight, can I have my room back?
I send him back to his room, reminding him that check out is at Noon.
My question is this; If you have an early flight, and you don't want to miss that flight, why would you get shitfaced the night before and run the risk of not making your flight?
People are funny sometimes.
November 21st. 2015
Gather ‘round my friends, it is time once again for The Drunk Guest Chronicles.
Today’s story doesn’t concern a guest, but still features a drunk…
**Late in the night a guy staggers through the lobby and up to my desk**
Me: “Can I help you?”
Drunk: “I’m drunk. Got a hot tub?”
Me: “No sir, not tonight.”
Drunk: “Got any rooms?”
Me: “Nope, sorry. Can’t help there. Can I call you a cab?”
Drunk: “No that’s fine.”
**Drunk wanders away**
Fast forward two hours and a guest who is checking out, tells me about a guy passed out on a bench near the elevator. Sure enough, it’s the drunk from earlier.
I shake him.
Me: “C’mon, time to get up, you can’t stay here. You can’t sleep here.”
Drunk: “I’m fine”
Me: “Time to go, do you want me to call you a cab?”
Drunk: “No, I’m fine.” *drops phone on floor*
I had to get back to the desk and he picked up his phone and started texting. At least he’s awake. Twenty minutes later the porter goes to check and sure enough he’s passed out again. The porter wakes him and tells him he can’t stay.
Drunk: “Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?”
Me: “I’d like to introduce you to Officers Smith & Jones of the Constabulary, they’re going to take you somewhere else to sleep off your night."
It’s been a while but it’s time for the return of the Drunk Guest Chronicles.
Guest comes in from a cab, goes to his room, comes back because his friend isn't in the room.
"We went to George St. and I left my buddy at a bar, he was supposed to wait for me but he wandered off and I couldn't find him. If a little skinny gangster guy shows up with clothes with Yankee symbols on it, tell him to go to room XX. We gotta catch a flight in three hours. He just didn't wait.
We got kicked off the flight last night for one pint! One pint of beer. Well that and we were talking about women we banged and shit. People got upset and told on us so they put us off. They said if we were drunk again..."
*Lobby Phone rings - it's his friend*
"Hey you stupid bastard you were supposed to wait for me, fuck. God forgive me for swearing. I went and got a loan to get a cab here and you wandered off and we gotta get a flight. I gave up vaginas looking out for you brother. We could've had pussy brought back here to the hotel but you fucked it up. God forgive me again. Get in a cab and get your ass here. Is that the cabby? Let me talk to him. Hey man, you bring that stupid motherfucker to the hotel please. Thanks bro, sorry for swearing."
Both come into the hotel and apologize for any trouble and thank us again for everything, they have to catch a flight and can't say thank you enough for helping sort things out. They need coffee so we point them to the free breakfast and off they go.
*I’m not sure they’re getting on their flight...
July 15th, 2015
Well it was bound to happen. Work in a hotel long enough and you'll get prank calls for reservations. They're normally few and far between on overnights, we normally get the drunks looking for a place to sleep it off.
But tonight we got a genuine prank caller. Twice! I didn't take the first call but it ended when my coworker asked the caller for his address and the response was "Hang on, lemmie look out my window... 1-800-FUCK-YOU! *Click*
Within a minute, the guy calls back and I get him. What follows is the transcript. I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Me: Thank you for calling the Comfort Inn, Steve speaking, how can I help you?
Prank Caller: Wants to book a room
Me: Ok certainly, for what night?
Prank Caller: August 15th
Me: Not a problem, we have rooms available. How many people traveling?
Prank Caller: We needs 14
Me: You need 14 rooms?
Prank Caller: No! Geeze by we needs 14 nights.
Me: So just the one room?
Prank Caller: Yes
Me: How many people traveling?
Prank Caller: Just one.
Me: Alright, so you need one room for fourteen nights?
Prank Caller: Yes. Any cute girls at the hotel?
Me: I don't notice many people overnight. So the cost is $160/night
Prank Caller: That sounds good, are your rooms soundproof?
Me: The rooms are pretty quiet.
Prank Caller: Well what happens if my mentalitis acts up and 4:00am I starts beating on the walls and yelling?
Me: We'd appreciate it if you didn't.
Prank Caller: But what if I forgets me meds and it happens?
Me: The rooms aren't soundproof
Prank Caller: *Starts crying* What am I gonna do? I got no place to stay now.
Me: I never said you coudn't stay, I just said the rooms aren't soundproof.
Prank Caller: *More crying* You called me mental
Me: No I did not.
Prank Caller: *Voice back to normal* You haven't got a pool have you?
Me: No there is no pool in the hotel
Prank Caller: So no cute girls by the pool
Me: There is no pool. Can I get your name please?
Prank Caller: Do I sound like a Newfie?
Me: Your accent sounds right yes.
Prank Caller: I'm a Newfie born in a concrete box if that makes any sense.
Me: What's your name?
Prank Caller: Glala Francesco
Me: Can you spell that?
Prank Caller: G-L-A-L-A Francesco
Me: and your address?
Prank Caller: 14 Pakistan Road
Me: and the City?
Prank Caller: Pakistan
Me: Postal Code?
Prank Caller: ... *silence* ... *female voice in the background* ... Mom?
July 4th, 2015
Alright buddy, here's a couple of thoughts just off the top of my head.
1) If you're too drunk to talk properly, or hold yourself upright, you're not getting a room.
2) If that woman you're performing a tongue powered tonsillectomy on is as you claim, your sister, I'll eat my hat.
3) The bathrooms are not unisex, get out of this hotel.
Me: "Good Morning, this is your wake up call."
Guest: "What time is the plane?"
Me: "I'm sure I have no idea."
Guest: "Well why the hell did you call me?"
Me: "Because you asked for a wake up call."
Guest: "Oh that's best kind then."
May 11th, 2015
Knee high, high heeled boots - Check
Skirt cut eight inches above the knee - Check
Overnight bag? - That's new
Calling "friend" for a ride saying the deal is done. - Check
Yep, We have a hooker!
February 25th, 2015
Now for another round of Things I Cannot Say
Guest: So do I get my cash deposit back when I check out or... ?
(In my head) No, I'm gonna spend it on Ale & Whores...
Out loud: Yes you get it back on check out.
February 17th, 2015
One of my coworkers just said "I'll be back in a sec" and wandered off in the hotel.
If this was a horror movie, he'd be dead now.
January 23rd, 2015
Again, things I cannot say.
"Just so you know, the parking lot is really slippery around the back"
"No shit! It slippery after it snowed? You don't say?!"
January 22nd, 2015
Things I cannot say
"You've got two boiled eggs."
"No, those are steamed goat testicles."
Here's your sign...
January 16th, 2015
That moment, when you recognize a hooker from way back, before her current profession, but she doesn't recognize you and you want to say "Hey, _______. How's it going?" Just to see her reaction. #HookerWatch2015
January 7th, 2015
Well, he's been to the ATM twice since his "friend" arrived at 1am. Guess she was a keeper #HookerWatch2015
December 18th, 2014
*Drunk Guest Chronicles*
*Guest gets Tylenol from one vending machine & bottled watered from another*
DG "Modern fuckin' conveniences man, ain't they amazing!?"
I nod and smile. I've never seen anyone so happy
December 15th, 2014
*Drunk Guest Chronicles*
DG points to my glass of pop "Is that rum or Pepsi?"
Me "That is a virgin rum and coke"
DG "Ye got nothin' stashed back there? No rum?"
Me "No Sir."
DG "No bar open I ca get a drink at?"
Me "Not at 4:00am there isn't, no."
DG "Ye got no bottle there you're sure?"
Me "Nothing, and no one can sell anything after 2:00am anyway."
DG " Yeah, gotta keep it legal and stuff. So you got no stash here at all?"
Me "Not a thing."
DG "No bar open."
*Drunk guest wanders away*
December 14th, 2014
Drunken Guest Chronicles.
DG: I can't get back in my room and it's pissing me off. The key won't work.
Me: Sir that's an Airmiles card.
DG: Don't you think I know that!?
Me: Here's a new room key...
December 6th, 2014
*Drunk guy tries to get into the hotel bar and discovers it's locked*
Me: "Sorry sir, they closed at midnight."
Drunk Guy: "What? Well what time is it?"
Me: "It's 4:15am."
Drunk Guy: "In the morning?"
Drunk Guy: "No?!"
*Drunk guy staggers off somewhere*
*Drunk guy staggers back into the lobby*
Drunk Guy: "I would like to order a pizza."
Me: "I'm sorry sir, the last delivery place closed at 4:00am."
Drunk Guy: "what are you talking about? It's only daytime."
Me: "No Sir, it's 4:30 in the middle of the night."
Drunk Guy: "No way!"
*Drunk guy then proceeds to try and take money out of the ATM using his room key and staggers away when it doesn't work*
November 17th, 2014
"Just to let you know, that room had no shower curtain. I cleaned up most of the water."
Ok, apologies aside for that accidental oversight on our part, why the hell didn't you call the front desk and tell us? We could have fixed that instead of you flooding the bathroom.
"Is that in American or Canadian money?"
British Pounds. You're in Canadia, what do you think you're getting charged?
October 12th, 2014
*Lady of the evening passes quickly through lobby*
female co-worker: "If she came to my room, I'd send her back"
September 15th, 2014
Guest: What's the weather like?
Me: Give me a minute to look it up
Guest: you haven't been out?
Me: No, I've been working. From my vantage point looking out the main door, all I can tell you is that it's dark...
September 9th, 2014
And we've got our first sighting tonight. Those have to be, without a doubt, the most sparkly pair of high heels I have ever seen.
Clock is ticking, see if it's one hour or more :p
August 25th, 2014
Just converted some change to a $5.00 bill for an American gent. He couldn't count it up right and then asked me to do it since I'm more familiar with Canadian coins.
I'm not talking Loonies and Toonies here, it was nickels, dimes and quarters. Last I checked they were almost the same sizes North and South of the 49th parallel. They're even called by the same denominations. How can you mix that up?
August 24th, 2014
Things overheard at a wedding reception #1108: "Then I'm gonna throat punch her. With my dick."
August 22nd, 2014
The dry spell is over! Houston we have a hooker! Right down to the clear heels. Cute little thing, but she could use a sammich or two lol
Two in one night! If this is any indication, this should be an interesting weekend. Strange that no one has made a trip to the ATM yet...
Three! Three ladies of the evening! Ah Ah Ah!
Courteous John met her in the lobby. Again cute but in need of a sammich. Legs like twigs in those shoes, it's a wonder she can walk #Hookerwatch2014
August 9th, 2014
Listening to a room full of drunks sing "I had a hat when I came in."
Hell of a wedding for the die hards to still be going strong.
Drunk people aren't half as fun when you're not one of them... and you're working and have to tell them to behave... which almost never works.
August 2nd 2014
Buddy, I can't get you beer after 2:00am and "c'mon" is not a convincing argument for the fine I would get for doing so.
"We just bought some shots and we'd like to get them from the bar."
"No you didn't. The bar closed an hour and a half ago."
"Oh really? Well I'm not gonna argue then."
Drunks... Gotta love 'em
July 20th, 2014
Just saw two potential students for the Midvale School for the Gifted... The door says PUSH, people.
June 15th, 2014
Buddy you might have just arrived in the city on a motorcycle, but the young lady in the black shorts suit with the open toed stilettos most certainly did not.
Nice try though, hope you've had your shots.
June 8th, 2014
Sighting number one at 12:35am
Must have been an early night for someone.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's a two hooker night!
Honey, how do you walk in those heels?
Make that three!
Just saw one walk along the outside of the building to avoid completing the walk of shame through the lobby. She didn't know she would be seen on the security cameras :D
May 22nd, 2014
Sorry pal, the bar is closed. They can start serving at 9am. No I don't know where you can get booze at this hour.
Well, I do. But I don't know you so I don't know.
April 29th, 2014
Score one for Steve.
Bitchy guest checks in, I can't do anything right in her eyes. She has a little accent but is taking English and answering questions, albeit with contempt. I'm a lowly counter hand in her eyes anyway.
Finish the check in and I'm telling her how to get to her room and in English she says; "I don't understand English, I'm French."
I smile and give her directions to get room in French and ask is there anything else she needs.
Her jaw hits the floor and she hurries down the hall with her head down.
April 1st, 2014
Hotel Guest: "Sure dat's nudding. That's all blowing off the building. There's not much snow falling."
Krusty The Klown; "You Sir, are an idiot."
Krusty said it cause I can't. That wouldn't be polite.
March 8th, 2014
12:36am - Houston we have a hooker!
Wonder if the Jon is getting two hours for the price of one because of the clocks going ahead?
February 9th, 2014
And we have hooker rejection! Adam, it's as funny as you said. Two of 'em came into the hotel and five minutes later left complaining about it.
February 3rd, 2014
Boy-o if you're gonna order a hooker at this time of the morning, at least be sober enough to give her the right room number. It saves her walking around the hotel until she finally asks me where to find you.
February 1st, 2014
She was here at Midnight and out the lobby doors by One. When they say "by the hour" they mean it.
January 27th, 2014
Seriously, who calls a hooker at 5:30am?
Also, I think I know her... I think her name is *redacted*...
January 6th, 2014
Me: "I'm sorry, the airport website says your flight is cancelled."
Hotel Guest: "You're kidding!?"
Every time the reaction is the same. Yes I'm kidding. It's 4am and I've got nothing better to do but pull your god damned leg. It's all a big joke! Why aren't you laughing?
Why the fuck would I be kidding? I've got no interest in whether or not your flight leaves, I'm just passing the information along.
January 4th, 2014
Power comes back at the hotel, kitchen decides to start lunch. Guy bitches and demands breakfast cause he's hungry.
My fish and chips is ready and he's got a 20 min wait for the griddle to heat up from being basically frozen.
I applaud you for your bitching sir and I salute you with my hot food.
December 6th, 2013
I've got to start taking pics of lobby happenings. In the style of Ripley's Believe It Or Not and William Shatner's Weird or What, I'll call it; Stylin' Steve's Walk of Shame!
December 5th, 2013
Remember the movie Pretty Woman? Remember Julia Roberts hooker outfit? I just saw it again here in the hotel lobby. The thigh high boots were a nice touch, but damn! It's December dear, might want to invest in a coat.
September 18th, 2013
Waiting to see the replacements now.
Tonight on Stylin' Steve's weird or what, I know the escort who just walked through the lobby!
August 18th, 2013
and we have Hooker #1 for the night.
Short, short skirt? Check!
Clear heels? Check!
Basket of toys? WTF first time I've seen that.
August 17th 2013
Watching one woman do the Walk of Shame is funny but sad. Watching FOUR do it is like a parade... or a train wreck...
Aug 11th, 2013
Me: "Can you check storage for a box."
Porter: "What does it look like?"
Me: "Well it's a general box shape really."
March 24th, 2013
Just had a guest ask if he was allowed to have "company" in his room. I told him what he does is his business. He then asked me how to go about getting said "company" *facepalm*
February 18th, 2013
I have seen some pretty bad hookers since I started working in a hotel, but this one takes the cake. When she smiled she looked just like Gollum. *shudders*
January 4th, 2013
Guest: Do ye have any bellboys?
Me: We have a porter, do you need his help?
Guest: No, bellboys, you know the things you loads luggage on.
Me: You mean a luggage cart?
Guest: I guess...
February 21st 2012
Hotel guests amaze me.
"What time did you start?"
"You mean you're here all night?"
My answer: "Yes, yes we are."
My thoughts: "No, I'm leaving in a minute, we like to let you monkeys fend for yourselves until morning..."