Weather Machine Blues

*tap tap* *pfffft*

This thing on? What the hell happened to the little light we had? Well change the freakin' blub for cryin' out loud! What am I paying you for any way? I'm not? Yes I am. Oh, I'm on? ... Dammit!

I'm back! Did you miss me?

Friends, Romans, Test Subjects, lend me your ears.... Ow! Who threw that? What was... wait was that actually your ear? How did you? Detachable? That's equal parts gross and amazing... can it re-attach? Get the lab boys working on that! There's money to be made here I'm sure of it!

But What Does It Mean?

Now, for your viewing confusion, I present a list of things overheard this past weekend while at Atlanti-CON. There are no points of reference, no clarification and no explanation for anything said. It can all be taken Out of CONtext.

To quote a friend of mine; “Names have been kept the same to reflect the strange…”

I am a Victim update

Mental Health is a serious, fragile and funny thing. A weird statement I know but it's how I can sum things up right now.

I am a victim

I never thought I'd type that title.

I've never been arrogant enough or foolish enough to believe that it would never happen to me. In my 37 years on this earth, I've worked a few jobs where it could have happened, pushing a Dickie Dee Ice Cream cart around Mount Pearl, working in a gas station, working in a little corner store. Never ever did it happen, and now it has.

Advanced Warning For Once!

*There! You see that. It's an "On Air" sign. Simple and effective, when it's off, I'm not broadcasting, when it's on, I'm live. Classic design, white background and red lettering. It all lights up nicely, see. Wait, it's been on this whole... dammit!*

A Postal Odyssey

Thursday, February 18th, 2016

Went to my wonderful Community Mailbox this morning to find I couldn't get my mail. Two of the three keys don't fit the lock for some reason and the third key, although it fits, will not turn in the lock. No give at all, no wiggle, the lock is seized.

Opened a ticket with Canada Post, they advised that a fix could take till Tuesday.

Friday, February 19th, 2016

Update from Canada Post!

They resolved my trouble ticket. But instead of fixing my mailbox, they replaced the lock for my landlord's mailbox!

According to their computers, my mailbox is listed as Module 2, Compartment 16 (my landlord), when in fact since they put the gods damned things in, my mail has gone to Module 3, Compartment 1.

I have the envelope my keys came in that says Module 3, Compartment 1, I've gone to it every couple of days and taken out mail that has my name and address on it. Despite that, the guy on the phone tried to tell me I'm wrong.

The ticket has now been reopened (they closed it without updating me, despite the email saying I'd be contacted) and I might be able to get mail by next Wednesday now instead of Tuesday.

After getting off the phone with "Andrew" I got an email to update me and confirm the ticket was closed. So I called back and spoke with "Chris" who could see that what I had said on my first call was correct, I was using the right mailbox and that we'd need to get it fixed.

He put me on hold and then told me he'd need to transfer me to a local agent who could get this addressed and the lock changed. He transferred me to "Nancy" who saw the problem and said that for some reason in one system I'm in the right mailbox and in another I'm assigned to the wrong one. It was 7:00pm on Friday so no one could fix it then. But she'd call me on Monday.

Monday, February 22nd, 2016

Canada Post update.

No callback from "Nancy" at the local office.

So I called this morning to check on my ticket and was told their entire computer system was down and the call centre agent couldn't access anything. I've been in a call centre in that situation, so nothing against the agent. Then she says, call back after 5pm.

Now that's brilliant, call after 5pm when no one can possibly do anything for my issue cause everyone local has gone home. So I have to call tomorrow.

Second to that, I had a package delivered today and according to the tracking information, it's waiting for me in the Community Mailbox parcel locker.

So my package is secured and the key to the parcel locker is safe in my mailbox, that I have no access to because the key doesn't work.

The comedy of errors continues...

I think tomorrow that I'll just camp out in front of the mailbox waiting for the mail carrier so I can get my mail.

Also that package contains 2 batteries for my camera, so help me if they are ruined because of spending days in a sub zero mailbox, I'm holding Canada Post responsible for their replacement.

Blindsided by a storm

**What the hell happened!? Where did this mess come from? What am I paying you eggheads for?

Actually, forget that last question, I'm not paying you. Now get working on a solution or in addition to not paying you, I'll be sending you on a tour of the lava pits!

Now, turn on the microphone, I've got to address things... what's that? It's on?! Why the hell didn't someone tell me!**

Another Stormy Monday

Friends, associates, future test subjects, I'd like to apologize for a couple of items. First of all, for the lateness of this warning post, lab boys assured me that this time we had the Mother Nature problem licked but apparently that's not quite accurate.

Also for the power conservation orders these past couple of weeks. That was my fault. Entirely. See when you hook up your vacuum cleaner to a parabolic reflector and bombard it with microwaves in a centrifuge, it doesn't actually generate power, instead it reverses the polarity of the energon flow and sends the excess back through the existing infrastructure and it blows a gasket or two... or thirty.

Lousy Mythical Adversaries

*tap  tap* *tap tap*

Yes I’m tapping the mic again, your stupid light isn’t working, it’s just blinking on and off and on and off… what? That means it’s working? What kind of moron makes a blinking light? It’s either ‘on’ for working or ‘off’ for not working, simple as that. Wait, so that means everyone can hear … dammit not again!

Short Notice, Big Warning

Attention, your attention please. Coming to you from his secured and totally secret bunker, here is our benevolent overlord with a very special statement. 

… got you techno-sycophants now! Light or no light, signal or no signal. I got this pre-recorded introduction now! All I have to do is wait for it to run out and then I start talking.  Take that you eggheads… what? It's over… dammit!

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, androgynous test subjects of all ages, you may have noticed some varying accumulations over the past week. Little snowfalls, nothing much to be concerned with, at least for you, my testing pool… I mean the general public.

For me and the old team here at The Bunker™ it means the start of a whole host of problems with The Weather Machine™. Well I say the old team but I really mean the new lab team. The old team are currently sunbathing by a lava pool, lousy so called college graduates.

Point is, we have to take The Weather Machine™ offline for repairs. The problem with that is there is a significant weather event bearing down on us as we speak. I cannot understate the potential level of snowmageddon that's approaching.

Now this leaves very little time this morning for the usual loot n’ plundering that I've come to expect and admire from you all. I know you'll give it your all and then you'll give most of your loot to my Collection Bots™. Also I cannot stress this enough, do not taunt the bots. Just give them my cut of the loot and back away slowly. I do not want to have to hire someone to spend the next week hosing out the bots “correctional chamber” because someone wanted to be a hero.

So get out to those sustenance distribution centres and fuel dispensaries, that's grocery stores and gas stations for the lay people, and empty ‘em! Clear those shelves! Drain those tanks! Remember, the more you get, the more I get!

Now if you'll excuse me, the loss of yet another let team is weighing heavily on me. I'll be receiving some much needed consoling in the harem’s grotto.

We're done here.